In these tough economic times, many people have lost their jobs, lost their savings, and along with it any sense of meaning to themselves and others. There are little things we can do though to keep up appearances as if nothing at all has happened. Follow these five rules and you might not have to go begging Obama for a bailout.
1. Carry a wad of $1’s- I usually use this trick to impress the ladies, but it can also fool most people. Get yourself as much money as you can scrape together, change them all into 1 dollar bills except for the biggest denomination you have. A 50 works great, but a 20 will do in most cases , now wrap the big bill around the ones and it looks like you have a lot of money. I used to do this all the time, when payday would come around, I would go and change my $200 check into 150 singles with one 50 on top. Awesome.
2. Mcdonalds Bag Trick- We want to lead our neighbors to think that we can still afford to go out for dinner, so once or twice a week, come out of your car holding a stuffed Mcdonalds bag. This will convince them that you make enough to splurge on carry out food and you don’t have to ‘cook’ your own stuff. I usually like to stuff my Mcdonalds bag with the free auto buyers guide they give out at supermarkets, now you accomplish two goals:
A. Some people might think you’re actually shopping for a car
B. You get to stuff your Mcdonalds bag to make it appear as if you’ve just bought dinner-extra sized
3.Starbucks Cup With Home Brew Inside - One of the staples of America is to go to Starbucks and act like a complete and utter asshole, this goes for the customers as well. Anyway, save that cup because we’re going to be using it to show our friends that despite the shitty economy, we still go to Starbucks. Basically, brew your own coffee at home and pour it into the Starbucks cup. Make Sure to cover it up with a sweater or something as you walk to your car in the morning we don’t want anyone knowing we’re reusing a cup. When you get to your workplace, greet everyone with your cup in hand so they see it.
4.Photoshopped Pictures on Vacation- Remember our Kwik Stop Vacation? Well This goes one step further, just find a nice background, like a beach or something and photoshop a picture of your family. Here’s one of Seahorse with his son, he told everyone he went to Fiji, most people can’t tell it’s photoshopped, what it looks like is a dad relaxing in the water while his son is playing in the sand:
5.Dress up a Fiero- Now we’re going for the kill. Remember those crappy Pontiac Fieros they discontinued because the gas tanks would blow up? Well, we’re going to buy one for about $100 and put a Ferrari Kit on it. Basically we’re going to make it look like a $300,000 Ferrari and nobody can tell the difference. Here’s my before and after:
Let’s say you’re not into cars. Fine, dress up a bike as a motorcycle:
moar funny blabla
Additional tips:
- Wear a lot of gold, everyone knows the more money you have the more gold you wear
- Wear lots of cologne, Drakkar works wonders in large quantities
- Make a big deal about breaking a large bill-For example, go to church and when they ask for donations, say something like, “can you break a hundred?”
If after following all these tips you still can’t convince everyone that your pulling some real coin, then I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.
by Birdman on 3/26/2009
We’ve all been to a bank right? Unless of course you have been hiding under a rock or are an illegal alien. But minus people that fall under one of those categories, each one of us has been to a bank to either deposit money, cash checks, withdraw money etc…Many times, there are very long lines at banks, sometimes it’s because they lack enough tellers, other times, there are customers that…well read on. Here’s a quick and simple way to piss off everyone behind you in a bank line:
While you’re standing in line, you should begin by sucking your teeth. People will immediately recognize this as the universal symbol that somebody is not attending to your needs fast enough.
From there we want to gradually raise the bar, now is the time to look at the person behind you in line and say something like, “it’s always like this here“. Once everyone behind you fully recognizes that you are pissed and that this bank sucks. Look out in front of you at the tellers and look for something to complain about.
For example, if you see a teller leave her post to go to the bathroom or because her shift has ended you can say very loudly “look at that she’s leaving with so many people in line”
At this point start tapping your foot and then let out an exaggerated sigh.
When you finally get called on to come to the teller window, remember to not have any deposit or withdraw forms filled out. Hand over the check to the teller and tell her want you want to do, either cash it or deposit. At this point the teller is going to ask you to fill out the form and to see some ID. The moment the teller asks to see ID you need to act incredulous and say something like ” I come here all the time” however, the teller will persist and you’ll be forced to run to your car to get it. Don’t mind the people in line giving you nasty stares, they should learn to wait patiently.
Once you’re back inside, the teller may ask you for your account number, tell her you don’t have it that way she’ll be forced to look you up in the system. While you are waiting for the teller to find the information any other customer who has been to a bank in their lifetime already knows to take with them, look to the line of people and ridicule the bank employees with some crass statement like, “they hire brainiacs here don’t they?”
After you are done with your transactions at the teller window, go to the ATM inside the bank and start going through all the options, press all the wrong buttons and then call the bank personnel and inform them that the ATM is broken. This is when you leave in a hissy, so that you have the last word, very loudly say something like “this is the worst bank ever, I’m never coming back and I’m going to file a lawsuit” this will save face for the following week when you come back and repeat the process all over again.
Considering the economic turmoil that is engulfing our country, I thought I would take some time out from my secret underground martial arts to the death tournaments. I want to offer a cost effective way of planning a travel trip or vacation without having to go too far. A little gem I have hidden in my back pocket whenever I want to take a vacation but can’t afford to is go to your nearest kwik stop.
Here’s a list of why your kwik stop may be better than going on some long expensive vacation:
1. You’ll get to see at least one foreigner and he’s usually behind the counter.
2. Exotic foods abound; I’ve found kwik stop’s that serve pigs feet in vinegar and http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/4/4c/Picklegegg.JPG/75px-Picklegegg.JPGpickled eggs, what can you find? Make it into a game and have your kids find the grossest thing.
3. You can relax with a wide selection of cigarettes and beer, also some of the finest wines such as Cisco are served.
4. Gambling: Most every convenience store has lotto or scratch offs. If you find one that has a digital slot machine you may be able to work something out with the owner and get paid real money for hitting 777.
5. Entertainment: Many Kwik Stops offer a wide variety of adult films behind the black curtain in the side room. If that’s not your thing, many have a cctv security monitor you can watch.
6. Finally, like in most tourist destinations you will be ripped off with outrages prices.
After thoughts
Going to a kwik stop is also a very secure thing, for example if you get mugged which you probably will there are always western union machines in the store where family members can send you money. The best part of the day to plan your trip is from 10am-2pm, this way you can avoid the line of tourists going to and from work.
Anyway, that’s all for now! Bonvoyage!
So where exactly did the bunch from classmates.com end up? Are the rumors that those two actually hooked up and had 6 kids true? No sorry. The truth has been disguised through fancy advertising, the reality of the situation is much less controversial.
The couple made famous by having their mugs paraded around in millions of website impressions have a colorful story to tell.
The couple as they are commonly known, had a rocky relationship from the start. Shortly after graduating high school, Bill (the guy) went on a 4 week drinking rampage, it was the senior party that never ended for him. Beth, the ugly chick he hooked up with seen in this photo went running home and sobbed herself into a pill-popping binge eating suicide mission. As she lay in a pool of her own vomit one morning, Bill walked into her bedroom and in a raspy voice which wreaked of whiskey said, “come on Beth, it’s time to get you cleaned up, you look like a filthy tramp”.
She was so happy to see him, she ignored the comment and hugged him tightly. They walked out of the house and never looked back. Their story ended 5 years later in divorce when Bill cheated on beth with Becky, the one in the left side of the banner ad. Beth eventually found the love of her life on eharmony.com
Next is Becky. After graduating high school, Becky decided that being the pretty girl could have its rewards. She stopped posting her pictures in classmates.com and started a dating empire. Becky currently responds via email to thousands of single men looking for dates on craigslist and myspace.
Lastly we have Bob. Bob was the quiet one, after high school he took a job as a fish thrower in the Seattle area. He never really did have much luck with the ladies, so he decided to look online. Currently he’s looking through thousands of offers for “dates and much more”. He says he’s going to take his time going through them until he finds the right one, “I wish I would of known about the interweb sooner, women are practically throwing themselves at me”, he says.
So you wanna become a police officer huh? Well, strap on a gun, get the billy club ready and read on, because you’ll be taking down perps (perpetrators) in no time.
The first rule about being a cop is; ‘Don’t even trust your own shadow’
Police work is dangerous business and being a softy just ain’t going to cut it. Let’s look at an example, this happened to a rookie friend of mine years ago.
It was a rainy night, Cassleberry (my partner) had been on the beat for barely a week, oh yeah this kid was green. We parked outside a diner where we were regulars. I stood outside leaned up against the cruiser with one leg propped up sucking on a Marlboro red. I had told the kid to grab us a couple of cups of Joe, I knew it would be a long night, my gut was telling me we were going to be shoulder deep in shit soon. As I smoked my cigarette, I leaned my head back and looked up at the stars I softly said, “God, why am I stuck with this idiot tonight?â€
Just as Cassleberry was walking out of the diner carrying two cups and a pastry bag of God knows what, a hail of bullets rained down on him. The last words I heard from that poor sap were “hey sarge, I got you those strawberry short cakes you li…” he was DOA (dead upon hitting the pavement). The stupid bastard never knew what hit him. Being used to such acts of random violence I casually threw my cigarette butt to the ground and smashed it with my Chippewa Limited Edition American Bison Snip Toe Motorcycle Boots.
I took cover by running to a nearby alley, as soon as I had some cover I lit another cigarette. I peeked out the corner of the building when a bullet grazed me, time to rock and roll. I pulled out my Jennings j 9 MM and went to work, I’m a modest person who doesn’t like to brag, but that night I performed better than anyone I had ever seen out in the field.
When all was said and done and I was staring down at the corpse of my partner, I felt a swell of anger rise in me. I realized then that that could be me lying there like a worthless piece of crap-no good rookie cop. But instead I was the one who survived to tell the story and save the day once again. In a weird way, God answered my prayer that night. And as I said in the beginning, you can’t even trust your own shadow, much less a partner.
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