5 Things You Can Do To Keep Up Appearances

In these tough economic times, many people have lost their jobs, lost their savings, and along with it any sense of meaning to themselves and others. There are little things we can do though to keep up appearances as if nothing at all has happened. Follow these five rules and you might not have to go begging Obama for a bailout.

1. Carry a wad of $1’s– I usually use this trick to impress the ladies, but it can also fool most people. Get yourself as much money as you can scrape together, change them all into 1 dollar bills except for the biggest denomination you have. A 50 works great, but a 20 will do in most cases , now wrap the big bill around the ones and it looks like you have a lot of money. I used to do this all the time, when payday would come around, I would go and change my $200 check into 150 singles with one 50 on top. Awesome.

2. Mcdonalds Bag Trick– We want to lead our neighbors to think that we can still afford to go out for dinner, so once or twice a week, come out of your car holding a stuffed Mcdonalds bag. This will convince them that you make enough to splurge on carry out food and you don’t have to ‘cook’ your own stuff. I usually like to stuff my Mcdonalds bag with the free auto buyers guide they give out at supermarkets, now you accomplish two goals:
A. Some people might think you’re actually shopping for a car
B. You get to stuff your Mcdonalds bag to make it appear as if you’ve just bought dinner-extra sized

3.Starbucks Cup With Home Brew Inside – One of the staples of America is to go to Starbucks and act like a complete and utter asshole, this goes for the customers as well. Anyway, save that cup because we’re going to be using it to show our friends that despite the shitty economy, we still go to Starbucks. Basically, brew your own coffee at home and pour it into the Starbucks cup. Make Sure to cover it up with a sweater or something as you walk to your car in the morning we don’t want anyone knowing we’re reusing a cup. When you get to your workplace, greet everyone with your cup in hand so they see it.

4.Photoshopped Pictures on VacationRemember our Kwik Stop Vacation? Well This goes one step further, just find a nice background, like a beach or something and photoshop a picture of your family. Here’s one of Seahorse with his son, he told everyone he went to Fiji, most people can’t tell it’s photoshopped, what it looks like is a dad relaxing in the water while his son is playing in the sand:

fiji vacation

5.Dress up a Fiero– Now we’re going for the kill. Remember those crappy Pontiac Fieros they discontinued because the gas tanks would blow up? Well, we’re going to buy one for about $100 and put a Ferrari Kit on it. Basically we’re going to make it look like a $300,000 Ferrari and nobody can tell the difference. Here’s my before and after:

fiero

Let’s say you’re not into cars. Fine, dress up a bike as a motorcycle:
funny quack quacks
moar funny blabla

Additional tips:

  • Wear a lot of gold, everyone knows the more money you have the more gold you wear
  • Wear lots of cologne, Drakkar works wonders in large quantities
  • Make a big deal about breaking a large bill-For example, go to church and when they ask for donations, say something like, “can you break a hundred?”

If after following all these tips you still can’t convince everyone that your pulling some real coin, then I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.

Birdman

3 Comments

  1. It all seems kind of shallow to me, and I don’t think the Ferrari kit is a good idea either, but I have to give credit where credits due, those Photoshop’d pics do look so real. It’s amazing what they can do with computers nowadays!

    That being said, I have to give this article a ‘3’ (out of a possible ‘5’).

  2. Great advise..haha..especially like article 1..going to try that next time I visit a strip bar..haha

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