Recently I was with my wife in a local outdoor mall-type place in south Florida that shall not be named-ok, you got me it was Cocowalk. Anyway, we’re sitting down casually enjoying ourselves as we mock and criticize people that walk by us. When up walks this guy with some snake hanging from his neck.

Of course, you know what happens next, some idiots stop him to ask is it real, can they touch it, and can they take a picture with him, the snake, or both…JACKPOT! So of course a lot of these guys do this because it makes them money, but beyond that I want to explore some more deep rooted issues on why people walk around with snakes hung around the necks.

I’m starved for attention

This person was so ignored throughout middle and high school that they took to talking to animals as a way of socializing. I would dare say some may have even had their first be a non-human if you know what I mean.

So by attaching a reptile to their necks, in essence they are accomplishing two things:

1. Attract attention they never had
2. Subconsciously thinks they are walking around with their girlfriend

The challenged manhood syndrome

I’m sure if Freud were around, he would call these people out for having penis envy. Simply put they are micro-phallic and have a underlying need to compensate and they do so by wearing a snake.

Lack of Fashion Sense

For some reason a lot of these guys wear tank tops, facial hair, and have piercings. They have no sense of fashion so by attaching a snake they think they look cool, tough, sexy or all three-sadly none of these things are accomplished.

The struggling Artist

No talent, so I’ll just wear a snake.

Pentecostal Snake Handler

I could be completely wrong (doubtful) about the assertions I’ve made above. Maybe people with snakes on them are simply pentecostal snake handlers who charm people into giving them money after putting on a little show. It’s like alligator wrestling with a bible. Maybe they read our guide on how to start your own religion
and are following our marketing plan for churches.

Hope this article helps dispel the myths and mystery surrounding snake dorks. Till next time

So in order to find him, I’ve chosen a criteria that is based on a loosely thought out plan.

I will look for men in there 50′s who have my great hair and a mustache. Also, they have to be people that are famous or well known since I’m an internet celebrity it makes sense that my father would be a recognizable face.

The first person who comes to mind as my possible father is Carlos Santana. He is a talented musician with traits that resemble Birdman.

The second contender who I think is also a viable candidate for my fathership is another musician. This one is Willie Colon, although, he may be the weakest candidate yet, since he is not wearing any sunglasses, I doubt he’s my dad. But it would explain why Birdman is fluent in Puerto Rican.

Third is Frank Zappa, he has the hair, the glasses, and the mustache. However, that little fuzz under his bottom lip is not characteristic of Birdman.

Yet again we are forced to consider a musician, this one being one of the most overrated rock stars of alltime, Gene Simmons. I hope to God that Gene Simmons is not my father, because he is quite possibly one of the worst musicians to have ever rocketed to stardom. Besides, his sporadic mustache is very weak. However, his arrogance is similar to Birdman’s self confidence..so there is a small chance he may be dad.

Finally we come to the person who I think may be my real father, Moammar Gadhafi. I know I know, he’s supposedly a bad guy, but really, would a real bad guy wear all the cool outfits that Gadhafi sports?

Other reasons why Gadhafi may be my father:

• He’s a renowned world leader
• He only has women as bodyguards
• He’s humble, he never wanted to rank higher than a Colonel
• He brings a giant Bedouin tent during diplomatic visits for meetings
• Even shipped a camel as well, to provide ambiance

So there you have it, the high likelihood that Gadhafi is my father. As much as I want to bond with him, I think I’m going to stay in the states for now, Tripoli is going through some growing pains and I don’t want to ruin it for dad.

Today my intent isn’t to reminisce about my previous works but to expand on it’s theme. To pull away another inch of the shroud to reveal more of the canvas i have painted. The theme is Sympathy and it’s beauty is for all of us to ogle and embrace.

Everyday in our country thousands of people flock to surrounding neighborhood restaurants. Eager to have our palets entertained while celebrating those moments we often forget only weeks later (mom’s birthday, that big promotion, neighbor’s noisy dog that died, birth of a child). What is it that makes these dining experiences so forgettable? Why does it seem as if we are just going through the motions or keeping an annual appointment with boredom? The truth is we are having to “share” these moments with friends and family. Regardless of relation or blood they are all too self absorbed to care about your day, your thoughts, or your feelings. The celebration should be about YOU. The only way to accomplish this is to shed the very weights that are holding you down. I’m not proposing for you to leave your families forever, you need them for tax purposes. What i do propose is an evening at your favorite sit down restaurant by YOURSELF.

“People will think I’m a loser”. “Everyone is gonna stare at me.” “It’s socially unacceptable to eat by yourself in public.” “Strangers will wonder what is wrong with me”. These are the thoughts going through your mind right now. To these thoughts i say they are all true and all of your worst fears will come to fruition. But if you play your hand properly you can turn these catastrophic events into an evening filled with pity, empathy, and my most favorite word of all …sympathy. Because when you are on the receiving end of sympathy there is nothing to share…it’s a gift only one person can open. Sympathy is not a hand grenade. Sympathy is a single bullet fired from a marksman concealed in a tree, intended for a single recipient. So let’s make this night I’m preparing one to remember. Let’s make this night about the person who matters the most…..you.

Shall we get to the moment at hand? The following is a not a step by step tutorial leading to a single climatic event like my previous article. Instead this will be a series of events all of which rely on each other for the overall success of this operation. Should any of these steps fail the entire night could blow up in your face and leave you walking out of the restaurant a laughing stock.

First off let’s talk about wardrobe. As with any character actor we must look the part. Take Mario Van Peebles in the movie “Solo”. In this movie he played a futuristic cyborg who smokes cigars. The attention to detail for his role was crucial. Without the cigar the believability of his character comes into question. But with the cigar in hand we become immersed into a world so real we begin to question our own. A good example of what not to do when preparing for a role is to take a look at Brendan Fraser in any one of his movies. The character we will be creating is lonely…looking for acceptance in a world he doesn’t quite understand. He has trusted others in the past but has been hurt one too many times. Although he has created some walls, he still desires to be around others. His only pleasures come from being a witness to the joy of those around him. I’m starting to cry already. What does this person look like? Well, he doesn’t wear named brands….instead he wears off brands. Polo shirts but instead of an alligator on the chest he has a unicorn. No bright colors but nothing that blends either….i like a mustard yellow that way we can see the unicorn more easily and it stands out without screaming confidence. Keep the pants simple…khakis will do the trick. To complete the look let’s go with a pair of generic gray sneakers and dark blue socks. This will serve as our fashion faupaux without insinuating we are of a lower income level. We do not want the pity to be because of our financial stature. We want it to be because of our loneliness. Make sure that everything is neatly pressed before leaving the house. No hats and no sunglasses. You do not want to obstruct the view of your lonely face. If you are self conscious about a receding hairline or some awful scar, this is not the time. These will add to the amount of sympathy you will receive while dining tonight. Make them work for you.

In the real estate game you often hear the phrase “location, location, location”. This also holds true for what we are creating. Like every story the setting is enormously important. Take Star Wars for example….if it had happened somewhere else it would have lost everything that made it so fantastical. No one would have gone to see a movie called “Iowa Wars”. We need scenery that allows our character to be noticed but not so empty that we spoil the plot….obtaining sympathy. Let’s look for a place that has a bit of a wait. This will serve us in two ways. Character development as well as notoriety. I like to go to a certain steak house that allows me to give my name and party size. They have a waiting room very close to the front doors. This allows me to open doors for new visitors of the establishment as well as for people who have finished and our leaving for their cars. We have now established our character as a good guy in front of our fellow diners who will be seated around the same time as yourself. And trust me they will take notice. This is called the set up. Like any set up you don’t want to reveal your hand too soon. You don’t want to be the creepy guy sitting by himself waiting to be called for your table. This will let everyone know too soon that you are by yourself and put you into a category of a pedophile. The three lowest things in the world are pedophiles, people who eat by themselves, and rapists. We however are creating something new. We are turning something that is typically sneered at into something quite sad. So open doors, smile but not too big, keep your eyes big and innocent, and most importantly do not speak. Nod if you have to…but the only words spoken tonight will be to your waiter or waitress and that is only to order your meal. This will add mystery to our character and allow the imaginations of our victims to run wild. Now the hostess’s voice will come over the loud speaker. She will say your name and the most important part….”party of 1″. Careful not to make eye contact with anyone. You almost have to look embarrassed or ashamed. Now that we have everyone’s attention let’s get to our table.

I personally like to avoid booths. They are too out of the way and secluded. Remember we don’t want to be the creepy guy. Besides we want to remain visible to as many people as possible. I like tables in the middle, preferably with four chairs…this will intensify the loneliness we are creating and pay big dividends in the pity department. When the waiter arrives to your table become startled as if you are not use to human contact. Don’t over do it. You don’t want to look frightened. A subtle, startled look will do the trick. Remember we are walking a fine line between “creepy pedophile guy” and “lonely guy who ventured out to see what happy people are like guy”. Once you have ordered your food don’t play with your cell phone. As a matter of fact don’t even bring a cell phone. You don’t want it to ring, It might make you look like you’re important to somebody. Don’t fidget either. Crazy people fidget when they are by themselves and our character is not crazy. Instead we are going to interlock our fingers with our forearms parallel to the table surface and look down. Once the correct posture has been achieved we will begin glancing up and observing our fellow patrons. Keep the eyes big and innocent and use a teddy bear smile. The teddy bear smile was invented out of necessity by Franz Lehmun in 1912. It was discovered that teddy bears with too big of smiles scared little children preventing them from falling asleep.This smile is perfect for our character. When someone notices you looking at them look down and repeat the steps with another family…we don’t want to seem like a stalker so keep your eyes moving around. Now the most important part. When you hear laughter from a table draw your attention to that table and smile. This time we want to go big. If anyone notices you joining in on their fun look down and slowly wipe the smile from you face and be embarrassed. Psychopaths do not get embarrassed so this will establish you as safe thus building the trust. By now you should be feeling it. Sympathy is all around and directed at you. Some people may even be whispering about you “aaahhhh that is so sad, hes all by himself” and “man, i wish we could invite him to sit with us.” “I wonder what happened that he’s so alone….he seems like a nice guy.” Count on it. These are the things that are being said all around you. Even though you won’t hear their words knowing that they are being said is satisfying enough. This night is all about you and these strangers are the ones making it happen…..something your friends and families would have never aloud.

By the time your food comes all of this should be second nature. The only difference is food has been added into the formula. Eat slowly, chew with your mouth closed and keep up what you’ve been doing all along. When it’s time to leave you can simply walk out real slow and enjoy all the sympathetic stares on the way out. But i personally like to take it one step further. Because i want to see tears on my way out. When i get up i like to leave a single red rose at the empty seat opposite me . If you are going to do this the rose has to be concealed up until the very end. Maybe in a back pack or briefcase. Once the rose has been laid down women will have there hands over there mouths in shock while the eyes fill up with sadness. Grown men will even be fighting back the explosion of tears fighting it’s way to the surface. I call this the “Sixth Sense ending”. No one sees it coming. It’s very emotional and depending how deep you’ve gotten into the role you may get a little teary yourself. And that’s ok…just don’t cry and lose all control. Save it for when you get out to the car.

Sympathy is a very intoxicating drug and we are all junkies for it. If i were to compare my brand of obtaining it to your common whiner…my brand is Colombian made and theirs is just street trash variety. I hope this helps all of you who have read this article and feel free to share any experiences that you have had as a result. Yours Truly, Seahorse

Over the years we have seen some great fight scenes, Bruce Lee in enter the dragon, Chuck Norris kicking ass all over the place, and others. However, some are better than others. So what in fact makes a great fight scene? We have a few things we take a look at when determining the best fight scenes. Things such as costumes, weapons, fighting style, plot, and overall violence.

These are not in any particular order, but the first one has a black Asian man who happens to be handicapped…oops I mean handi-capable. So according to the rules of affirmative action, this one gets to go first even though it may not actually be the best one.

# 5 Equal opportunity fight scene

#4 Next up the use of weapons. This one ranks among the best for creative use of a weapon.

#3 If violence and gore is the name of the game. These guys can’t be topped.

#2 If you want a real plot with serious acting, this scene has two thumbs up. The looks on their faces is enough to scare the shit out of anyone.

#1 For overall ability, dress, and creativity this clip is number one-avoid this man at all costs. Observe the close ups of the boots…awesome. The victory dance at the end adds an element of humor to otherwise seriously vicious fight scene.

Well, you may not agree with me that these are the top fight scenes of all times, so if you have a clip you feel should be shown here by all means put a link in the comments section.

I wanted to ask him in front of everyone what position he played since he seemed so ‘dedicated’ to a multi-million dollar corporation that sucks tax payer money in order to build themselves big stadiums. I mean if I put up my own business, the government will the pay for my building right?

After sports teams get your hard earned money to build themselves a nice stadium, you would think they wouldn’t charge you for coming to it. On the contrary, you are out $20 before you even get out of the car which you have to park about a mile away. Once there, you have to buy a ticket, upper deck nose bleed section you are looking at $20, you are out $40 dollars and they haven’t even started playing yet.

Who goes to a ball game without at least buying a beer and something to eat? Add another $20 for one beer and one hot dog, no joke-we’re now at $60 and the game hasn’t started yet.

Well, at least you are out of the house, in the ballpark and seeing all the green out there, the fresh air, the people, the pre game music on the big screens, perhaps you can just sit back and enjoy a nice cigarette while the players get warmed up….oops wait we live in Nazi Germany at least regarding smoking because now you CAN’T EVEN SMOKE IN OUTDOOR STADIUMS.

Well, the game is about to start, the opening pitch is coming up and as we look out on the field we see a bunch of millionaires in tight costumes throwing and hitting a ball. Yeah, these guys are the cream of the crop, professional athletes that give 110% all the time they have no quit in them…unless they don’t get what they want in their contracts, then they pout and whine like little girls and will go on strike, essentially selling out the millions of fans they claim to love. As to why people that have a minimum salary of $400,000 a year need a LABOR union is beyond me.

Okay so back to the game, now the batter is up there he’s getting ready to bat and he’s going through the motions, tapping the dirt off his shoes, stretching his shoulders with the bat over his head, and finally praying to God and blowing a little kiss to heaven. That’s right, God, the beginning and the end, the one who created us and the world we live in, the one that millions of people going hungry, suffering from fatal diseases, or being hacked to death in some crap hole country in Africa are also praying to at this very minute is going to take time out of his busy schedule to deliver you a home run or an rbi.

Up to now I haven’t really focused on the actual person wearing the jersey, only on what the jersey represents (sports)-a packaged pseudo-entertainment activity that devoids the user of his or her time from family, friends, and physical activity.

The fact that most sports ‘fanatics’ are fat pieces of shit is a testament to their lack of a life outside of sitting down and watching their favorite team play. In fact, it goes deeper than looks. At the heart of all dumbasses that wear jerseys is that little boy in the playground that never got picked for the team, “but I can play guys i swear” now that he’s older and has his own money he can buy his way into a team or at least pretend to by wearing “official major league baseball gear.” By wearing a stupid jersey he’s telling the world, “I’m one of them now, I’m part of the team, I’m one of you guys.”

Sadly, the cool guys like me know the truth.

Here’s the deal, if you want to watch sports, watch college but for fuck’s sake don’t wear a stupid jersey.

In this post, I would like to provide a glimpse into the privileges bestowed upon me and people like me who have incomes in the stratosphere or more commonly known as the top 1%.

I make so much money, capital one credit card pays me 2% cash back on gas and groceries and 1% cash back on all other purchases.

I make so much money, I don’t have to pay my taxes, they give me money back each year just for living here.

I make so much money, my groceries are taken to my car for me. Btw, in the grocery store, I’m even asked if I want money back when I’m done paying….I say yeah, I need $600 only to screw with them since I know they don’t have that much in the register. Booya!

I make so much money, I’m referred to as “Mr.” on all my mail.

I make so much money, when I ride in airplanes I’m usually given the seat right by the bathroom that way I don’t have to walk far to go.

When I’m at home, I could even order movies right from my TV.

Anyway, I hope this clears up some of the mystery surrounding the super rich. We’re just like everyone else, except we have lots of money. For example, if I really wanted to, I can afford to eat out everyday.

But I’m not like that, I like to stay humble.

1. Carry a wad of $1′s- I usually use this trick to impress the ladies, but it can also fool most people. Get yourself as much money as you can scrape together, change them all into 1 dollar bills except for the biggest denomination you have. A 50 works great, but a 20 will do in most cases , now wrap the big bill around the ones and it looks like you have a lot of money. I used to do this all the time, when payday would come around, I would go and change my $200 check into 150 singles with one 50 on top. Awesome.

2. Mcdonalds Bag Trick- We want to lead our neighbors to think that we can still afford to go out for dinner, so once or twice a week, come out of your car holding a stuffed Mcdonalds bag. This will convince them that you make enough to splurge on carry out food and you don’t have to ‘cook’ your own stuff. I usually like to stuff my Mcdonalds bag with the free auto buyers guide they give out at supermarkets, now you accomplish two goals:
A. Some people might think you’re actually shopping for a car
B. You get to stuff your Mcdonalds bag to make it appear as if you’ve just bought dinner-extra sized

3.Starbucks Cup With Home Brew Inside – One of the staples of America is to go to Starbucks and act like a complete and utter asshole, this goes for the customers as well. Anyway, save that cup because we’re going to be using it to show our friends that despite the shitty economy, we still go to Starbucks. Basically, brew your own coffee at home and pour it into the Starbucks cup. Make Sure to cover it up with a sweater or something as you walk to your car in the morning we don’t want anyone knowing we’re reusing a cup. When you get to your workplace, greet everyone with your cup in hand so they see it.

4.Photoshopped Pictures on Vacation- Remember our Kwik Stop Vacation? Well This goes one step further, just find a nice background, like a beach or something and photoshop a picture of your family. Here’s one of Seahorse with his son, he told everyone he went to Fiji, most people can’t tell it’s photoshopped, what it looks like is a dad relaxing in the water while his son is playing in the sand:

5.Dress up a Fiero- Now we’re going for the kill. Remember those crappy Pontiac Fieros they discontinued because the gas tanks would blow up? Well, we’re going to buy one for about $100 and put a Ferrari Kit on it. Basically we’re going to make it look like a $300,000 Ferrari and nobody can tell the difference. Here’s my before and after:

Let’s say you’re not into cars. Fine, dress up a bike as a motorcycle:

moar funny blabla

Additional tips:

• Wear a lot of gold, everyone knows the more money you have the more gold you wear
• Wear lots of cologne, Drakkar works wonders in large quantities
• Make a big deal about breaking a large bill-For example, go to church and when they ask for donations, say something like, “can you break a hundred?”

If after following all these tips you still can’t convince everyone that your pulling some real coin, then I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.

While you’re standing in line, you should begin by sucking your teeth. People will immediately recognize this as the universal symbol that somebody is not attending to your needs fast enough.

From there we want to gradually raise the bar, now is the time to look at the person behind you in line and say something like, “it’s always like this here“. Once everyone behind you fully recognizes that you are pissed and that this bank sucks. Look out in front of you at the tellers and look for something to complain about.

For example, if you see a teller leave her post to go to the bathroom or because her shift has ended you can say very loudly “look at that she’s leaving with so many people in line”

At this point start tapping your foot and then let out an exaggerated sigh.

When you finally get called on to come to the teller window, remember to not have any deposit or withdraw forms filled out. Hand over the check to the teller and tell her want you want to do, either cash it or deposit. At this point the teller is going to ask you to fill out the form and to see some ID. The moment the teller asks to see ID you need to act incredulous and say something like ” I come here all the time” however, the teller will persist and you’ll be forced to run to your car to get it. Don’t mind the people in line giving you nasty stares, they should learn to wait patiently.

Once you’re back inside, the teller may ask you for your account number, tell her you don’t have it that way she’ll be forced to look you up in the system. While you are waiting for the teller to find the information any other customer who has been to a bank in their lifetime already knows to take with them, look to the line of people and ridicule the bank employees with some crass statement like, “they hire brainiacs here don’t they?”

After you are done with your transactions at the teller window, go to the ATM inside the bank and start going through all the options, press all the wrong buttons and then call the bank personnel and inform them that the ATM is broken. This is when you leave in a hissy, so that you have the last word, very loudly say something like “this is the worst bank ever, I’m never coming back and I’m going to file a lawsuit” this will save face for the following week when you come back and repeat the process all over again.

Here’s a list of why your kwik stop may be better than going on some long expensive vacation:

1. You’ll get to see at least one foreigner and he’s usually behind the counter.
2. Exotic foods abound; I’ve found kwik stop’s that serve pigs feet in vinegar and http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/4/4c/Picklegegg.JPG/75px-Picklegegg.JPGpickled eggs, what can you find? Make it into a game and have your kids find the grossest thing.
3. You can relax with a wide selection of cigarettes and beer, also some of the finest wines such as Cisco are served.
4. Gambling: Most every convenience store has lotto or scratch offs. If you find one that has a digital slot machine you may be able to work something out with the owner and get paid real money for hitting 777.
5. Entertainment: Many Kwik Stops offer a wide variety of adult films behind the black curtain in the side room. If that’s not your thing, many have a cctv security monitor you can watch.
6. Finally, like in most tourist destinations you will be ripped off with outrages prices.

After thoughts

Going to a kwik stop is also a very secure thing, for example if you get mugged which you probably will there are always western union machines in the store where family members can send you money. The best part of the day to plan your trip is from 10am-2pm, this way you can avoid the line of tourists going to and from work.

Anyway, that’s all for now! Bonvoyage!

The couple made famous by having their mugs paraded around in millions of website impressions have a colorful story to tell.

The couple as they are commonly known, had a rocky relationship from the start. Shortly after graduating high school, Bill (the guy) went on a 4 week drinking rampage, it was the senior party that never ended for him. Beth, the ugly chick he hooked up with seen in this photo went running home and sobbed herself into a pill-popping binge eating suicide mission. As she lay in a pool of her own vomit one morning, Bill walked into her bedroom and in a raspy voice which wreaked of whiskey said, “come on Beth, it’s time to get you cleaned up, you look like a filthy tramp”.

She was so happy to see him, she ignored the comment and hugged him tightly. They walked out of the house and never looked back. Their story ended 5 years later in divorce when Bill cheated on beth with Becky, the one in the left side of the banner ad. Beth eventually found the love of her life on eharmony.com

Next is Becky. After graduating high school, Becky decided that being the pretty girl could have its rewards. She stopped posting her pictures in classmates.com and started a dating empire. Becky currently responds via email to thousands of single men looking for dates on craigslist and myspace.

Lastly we have Bob. Bob was the quiet one, after high school he took a job as a fish thrower in the Seattle area. He never really did have much luck with the ladies, so he decided to look online. Currently he’s looking through thousands of offers for “dates and much more”. He says he’s going to take his time going through them until he finds the right one, “I wish I would of known about the interweb sooner, women are practically throwing themselves at me”, he says.