How to be an Idiot Shopper at a Supermarket

Supermarkets are places where we go to buy food, beverages, and personal hygiene products. I have found that roaming the aisles of supermarkets can actually be a very relaxing experiencing. You’re on a small adventure, picking and choosing all the good food you’re going to eat that night and later on in the week, at this point you couldn’t be happier. That is until you run into the idiot shopper.

If you’re an idiot shopper then you’ll recognize yourself in my bullet points below. If you would like to become an idiot shopper then pay close attention to each one.

Okay,

  • Forget to grab a cart, once inside ask someone of they are using theirs.
  • Park your shopping cart sideways (like in the picture above) in order to prevent anyone from passing on either side of you.
  • When you get to the deli counter, don’t take a number. Instead make a big fuss about why someone else got to go before you.
  • Ask numerous people that work at the supermarket where something is. That’s right waste everyone’s time, instead of just looking up and reading the signs at the beginning of the aisle.
  • Talk to yourself out-loud about how expensive everything is
  • Remember to select items that don’t have a price or a UPC, that way when you get up to the register you have to hold up the line until someone goes and gets a price for you. When you finally do learn the price of the item refute it with the cashier, then say “I’m not taking it”
  • Talk on the cell phone while you shop, and carry on a conversation about nothing intelligible for an hour.
  • When you get to the register, this is where you shine. Remember to get way too close to the person in front of you, nudging his cart when he’s not looking does seem to make the line go quicker. When you finally get to put all your stuff on the belt, ask for something really fancy like “I want my bags packed with a plastic bag inside of a paper bag.”
  • After they have packed all your groceries and you are face to face with the cashier now is the time to start fumbling through your purse looking for your checkbook. Usually you’ll have one false alarm, thinking you found it, but actually it was just the old worn out one you use to press off excess lip stick.
  • Alternatively, you can also use a debit card that has no funds in the bank or a credit card that is maxed out. When the cashier tells you that the transaction was denied, tell her the machine is broke.
  • If someone isn’t taking your groceries to the car , request it.
  • When you get to your car , always have a big mess in the trunk, that way the poor sap that was ordered to take your groceries to your car has a really difficult time making room so everything can fit.
  • Finally, don’t tip. Hey it’s store policy not to tip…even after he went through all that trouble to put away your groceries.
  • Other annoying things you can do are:

  • Let your children run like savage beasts up and down the aisles
  • Open up potato chip bags and eat while you are shopping
  • Here’s a video of how people should really act in the Supermarket

    Birdman

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