How to be The Most Annoying Moviegoer in the Theater

For those of us with children, the movie going experience is one that is enjoyed a couple of times a year, finding a babysitter isn’t easy. There are other options though if you want to go to the movies and bring your child along.

In this article, I’m going to outline a few things you can do to bring your infant to the movies and make everyone else’s experience there a nightmare. Remember, it’s not about them, it’s about you. You have been child rearing for a long time and need a break and you have nobody to take care of your child or infant, so you need to bring them along to the cinema.

It’s preferable to bring an infant, say 3 months or less to the movies. Never mind that he or she has no clue where the hell they’re at and probably frightened to death by the loud sounds and dark room full of people. Also at this age they are hungry like every other hour, so they will need to be fed a couple of times during an average 2 1/2 hour movie. This early in life they are usually breast feeding so momma has to whip out the boob and feed sweetpee. The problem is many infants at this stage can’t latch on well and start crying out of frustration and hunger.

If you’re lucky, you will begin this process right after the previews are done and the feature film is about to begin…just when everyone is settling in.

If the baby doesn’t feed well, she may get cranky and start crying, this is when you get up, walk around the movie theater, and sing her a little song to try and calm her down. Trust me, she won’t shut up. But you can’t give up, just because you have been walking her for 15 minutes and nothing seems to sooth her. At this point you might get some jerk in the audience telling you to please take the baby outside so everyone else can watch the movie. He’s got some nerve.

You simply reply, “You don’t care about children do you, all you care about is your precious little movie!” If the rude audience member continues to harass you, call theater security and tell them, this man tried to grope you. If you live in a decent size city, you might be lucky enough to have police officer on hand to arrest him, thank God, now you can go back to seeing your movie and caring for your child.

A 3 month old, will usually poop right after being fed. But since Movie theater developers were insensitive to mothers with young infants, they didn’t install changing tables inside the theater. No problem, simply go toward the front of the theater where the handicap chairs are and use one they are over-sized and will do. If a wheelchair bound person is occupying one, tell him to move…he already has a chair and you need it to change your baby.

Isn’t it funny how the handicaps expect special treatment? Front row parking, front row seating, bigger toilet stalls. When there is obviously another demographic that is in need more than them….after all you mothers never asked to get pregnant.

If your child is around 18 months, that’s when they start repeating everything they hear and see. For example, if there is a dog on the big screen your child might say “doggie, look doggie there” a few hundred times repeatedly, you might be tempted to quiet him down, but don’t, this is a learning experience for him and you should allow him to explore his vocabulary. If people start going “SSHHHH!” , just ignore them and point to something else in the movie your child could repeat. When everyone sees what a smart kid you have, they will all stare in a amazment at you so don’t worry if you’re getting hard looks, they are just jealous that their child isn’t as smart as yours.

Now if you are lucky enough to have a child around the age of three the situation significantly changes. At this age they won’t sit still long enough to watch a movie all the way through. It’s recommended that you let them just run around the movie theatre, that way they will tire and sleep better that night , so you to can relax when you get home. Sure it’s going to be noisy but by now you have learned to block it out at home and if you can block it out so must everyone else. Now there may be some jerk who will try to go catch your child and bring them back over to you. Wait until they grab your child and before they have a chance to walk back towards you scream at the top of your lungs “SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TAKE MY BABY!” It guarantees that not only will this person unhand your child they will probably run out of the theatre quicker than John Wilkes Booth.

Once the movie is over and you begin exiting your seat people may give you some dirty looks. Try to be patient and understand that there ignorance stems from a society that has taught them to be intolerant of the youth that represents its own future and those who are raising them. Make some small talk on the way out. Ask them how they liked the movie. This should help reduce the rage they might have been feeling only moments before.



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  2. Sorry, I have to disagree with many things that you detailed in this highly annoying article. My baby is 3 weeks old and she eats every 3-4 hours and will sleep when she’s not eating. Also, not all babies cry when they have a dirty diaper. I usually have no clue that she’s pooped unless I actually hear her do so. She doesn’t produce much of an odor just yet. Lastly, my baby latches on perfectly. She has since she was less than a week old. So I highly doubt I would disturb anyone in the entire audience. My baby is probably more well-behaved than many movie-goers, like people who talk to their friends or who make comments during the movie.

    • Clearly, the humor used to illustrate the STUPIDITY of bringing a baby/small child to a movie was lost on the commentor. I don’t care how well behaved a baby is, there are places that they don’t belong. A movie theatre is one of them. You created the kid, so figure out how you can have your desired social life/date time without aggravating a room full of people who paid an arm and a leg to enjoy a movie without Romper Room going on all around them. I bet that you have all the latest gadgets and modern technology in your homes, so splurge on a baby sitter now and again. Last I checked, they are pretty darn cheap for three hours.

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