How to Survive an Action Movie

one tuff copIn case you ever find yourself in trapped in an action movie, some of these tips will help you make it to the end. You see, just as in scary movies, there are rules you have to follow and things you must do in order to survive and live to be the hero at the end.

1. If you’re a guy you must find as quickly as possible a hot co-star, and rescue her from a not so serious situation in the beginning of the movie. She owes you, and you will get yours in the end.

2. If you’re a woman, make sure to get yourself in a stupid predicament. Once your rescued by the lead actor, be really defensive and annoying. Remember, you eventually have to sleep with him, so we all know its a front.

3. While on the run, don’t ever stop in a motel, restaurant, or public restroom. Trust me, they will be waiting for you. If you do find yourself forced to stop in one of these, usually because of the annoying female co-star nagging you to death. Remember to use a lamp to knock out your pursuers. If you are in a restroom, just kick the bathroom stall really hard, the guys following you will usually be right in front of it. Another popular method of escape, is by the bathroom window, its usually large enough for the female character to fit through.

4. Guns, most guns never run out of ammo until your nemesis is standing right in front of you and is about to shoot. Don’t worry, his also ran out, but he doesn’t realize it until he pulls the trigger and hears the empty click. Now you run.

5. If you get injured, don’t worry, find a shack somewhere in the middle of nowhere and use it. If there are people living inside, you can trust them and they will give you a bed for the night. Remember and this is a biggie, if you get injured the only way to cure an injury in an action movie is with a rag and a saucer of water, preferably if your female co-star dabs away the blood. If the injuries aren’t too bad, you might just get to have sex with her right after she finishes stitching you up

6. Remember, in an action movie you can’t trust people you have always trusted, they will screw you. Rather, take your chances with strangers, it usually works out better for you.

7. If you’re black and in an action movie, I would hurry up and disappear as soon as possible. Otherwise, you will find out the ugly fact of being the first victim in an action movie.

8. There will come a time when you will most likely have to visit a friend in a hospital. usually they are in a coma, hooked up to some life support gadget that makes beeping noises. You will have to sneak in to visit your friend because you are on the run …usually from the police or the bad guys or both. Don’t worry you usually get a couple of minutes to say some sappy line to your bed ridden pal like “How did you get so messed up? It should have been me laying in this bed not you. I’m going to get whoever did this to you.” Than comes a one liner….not meant for the dying friend but the viewing audience…try and make this as clever as possible…something like “They wanna look the devil in the eyes….well now there is hell to pay”.

Now it’s time for your escape because some nurse has spotted you and has gone and called security. There will be a gurney available in the room, use this to push into the security guard’s gut, this will allow you the opportunity to run out of the room. Keep running because by now the bad guys have heard the commotion and are pursuing you as well. Run to the parking garage, once there use something to jam the door shut. I’m fond of sliding a broom-stick into the door handle. There will be a window on the door, watch the frustrated look on the bad guys face when he tries to open the door with no success. Don’t worry although he has a gun and could easily shoot you through the window he won’t . Now even though you drove your own car to the hospital when you check your pockets you will find that your keys will be missing or your brand new car won’t start….keep looking and you will also notice a hole in your pocket. Even though you are in an action movie moment try and say something funny because we all know nothing is funnier than a bad ass in a sticky situation cracking jokes. In this situation go with something like “got to cut down on the pocket pool”. Now look for someone getting out of their car.

It’s usually going to be someone in a suit with thick reading glasses. Punch him in the face and steal his car. Don’t worry this is going to make for a great escape and even though this guy may have some little girl he’s visiting who’s being eaten up from the inside out with some virus that will eventually kill her…and he can barely afford the hospital bill let alone buy a new car because the one you stole will be wrecked in the ensuing car chase….don’t worry you are still the good guy. Remember, once these bad guys are brought into the open ,the police will not bring any charges against you.

Other things to keep in mind:
-All phones are tapped
-Safe houses are never safe

Birdman

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