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Please God, don’t let it be true. Don’t allow this has been washed up arrogant piece of crap to ruin another icon of TV.
Here is the word from TMZ …
I really hope it isn’t true.
Posted on May 19th, 2007 by Birdman
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If you have ever wondered how so many religions get started and thought-”hmm, I’d like to start my own religion.” Well here is your guide.
The first thing to consider is whether you are going to be running an offshoot of Christianity. If for example, you are going to claim to be the Messiah, Jesus in the flesh and blood, or any variant thereof, you need to learn the bible inside and out. Most people who have ventured into their own offshoot of a Christian religion can spout off bible quotes and scripture quicker than an M60 machine gun unloading its magazine (more on weapons later).
If on the other hand you are going to create a religion which for all intents and purposes you pull out of your ass such as Scientology, then some creativity is required. You might consider naming it after one of those newly found planets. I personally prefer naming my religions after brand name pharmaceutical drugs, such as “voltaren†this way it’s easy for people to call themselves, “members of the Voltarian Churchâ€. These types of religions offer an easier method for monetization. For instance, to get to the level in Scientology where Tom Cruise is in, you would have paid about $500,000. Now that is sweet…if you’re on the receiving end, L Ron Hubbard must still be laughing in his grave.
Now that you have chosen your religion or sect, you are going to need a location. A warehouse will do, but a shopping center is preferred. The shopping center offers more foot traffic and walk-ins than an isolated warehouse. You’ll also want to file for tax exemption and charity status, here’s what the IRS has to say about that.
In order to get new members, hire a few kids to hand out flyers and put those door hanger things. The message should be something to the effect of “tired of living in your vicious cycle, break the chains that hold you back…join us at xyz ministry of life†A message like this is good, because it casts a wide net and almost anyone can relate to it.
Once members start showing up, have some free coffee and donuts. You know what they say, “the quickest way to someone’s heart is through their stomach.†Be sure to keep track of who’s coming back, after about the third time someone returns make them sign a direct deposit slip into your “church charity†account for 10% of their salary, refer to this as the tithe if your sect is based on Christianity. For all the other made up religions, publish some shockingly expensive books (around $1000) and sell them to your flock, so that they can “attain the next level of spirituality.†If they can’t afford the $1000 books, don’t worry they could pay you monthly, just be sure not to forget to add a finance charge. Finally, be sure to ask for pay stubs and run a credit check to make sure everything is on the up and up….we wouldn’t want someone cheating the Lord would we?
Let’s look at how much a new religion with followers can yield:
-Let’s say your church has 100 people (not that difficult to attain)
-Each member earns around $35,000 per year
-10% of $35,000 is $3500 divided by 12 months is $291
-$291 dollars per person per month is $29,166 a month.
Not bad for a new religion.
Figure you have overhead costs (rent –electricity) of about $4000
That leaves you with about $25,000 in your pocket every month. Now just imagine if you had 1000 members?
See how easy it can be to setup shop virtually anywhere and start banking. Once your membership starts to rise, you can then think of looking for a larger more open place. A ranch in the country side is the perfect setting for this. But be creative, there are many ways you can go with this. Just always remember to never believe a word of what you are prophesying. Many have gotten into real trouble when they start believing their own bullshit and wind up dead or getting blown up by the FBI.
Posted on May 10th, 2007 by Birdman
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In her upcoming movie, Drew Barrymore falls in love again. Dear God, how many times is she going to play the same stupid role. It was bad enough when she had 50 consecutive dates with Billy Madison or whatever that guys name was in that movie.
She clearly has intimacy issues and should seek help. Her lack of commitment is troublesome and her lack of acting skills is even worse.
Yeah, she supposed to be some hero or something because of what she went through as a child.
I’m still waiting for my award as troubled wealthy child, it’s not easy watching everyone have less than you and then wanted to take even that from them
Posted on May 2nd, 2007 by Birdman
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Right In His Shoulder - For more funny movies, click here
That old man got nailed! Dude, your standing in the middle of a javelin field , what are you looking at?
Posted on April 29th, 2007 by Birdman
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I was at the end of my rope, literally. I was standing on a chair with a noose around my neck ready to jump and end it all. I then decided to check my email one more time and low and behold there in my inbox was the answer to my prayers!
Like most everyone else I went to college, worked hard, got married, had a couple of kids, and even managed to have a honey on the side, things were good. I pursued the American dream and I was within arms reach of getting it. One day the company I worked for got sent to Mexico and I was out of a job and broke. I played by the rules, this wasn’t supposed to happen. I considered moving to Mexico with the company, but decided against it as I am allergic to jalapenos, bad water, and dirty people.
What was I to do now? I had a little savings put away but that only held us over for a couple of months. I was sitting at my kitchen table and thought long and hard about my life and what it had come to, as I took a sip of my Chteau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996, I realized I had to do something. That night in a feeble attempt to become rich I went to the casino and blew the last of our savings at the craps table.
Needless to say that didn’t work out for me. I was getting hounded by friends and family for money I owed them, they had some nerve, asking me for money they knew I could never pay back.
Within a couple of weeks of me losing my job, unemployment ran out, I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor-Big Willy Jenkins (yeap he’s black) and the kids were taken for ransom by our creditors.
What else could I do? I applied in a few places, but they all told me, sorry you’re just too qualified to work here. I pleaded but nothing seemed to work.
I decided to end it all, I was going to kill myself, and nobody was going to stop me.
That is until I saw this particular report in my inbox, I couldn’t believe it and I was skeptical. Who is going to believe you can make $1000 dollars an hour with little or no effort?
Well I’m here to tell you it’s true! Don’t believe me, just listen to what these testimonials have to say (remember testimonials can’t lie or be made up, so take everything they say as gospel)
Mary in Sequatchie, TN writes: I was broke too, until I found this great system that helped helped me make $500 in the first couple of hours. I can now afford to make my trailer a double wide.
Jimbo in Harker Heigts, TX writes: After my 4th DUI I had my license revoked so I couldn’t drive to work anymore. I found this system that let’s me use the interweb to make $1000 an hour. I can now afford a dee-lux stainless steel Barbecue.
Become financially independent now! Purchase this system for just a one time fee of $132. Why the odd amount? Well there is a complicated algorithm behind that we’ll explain once you purchase our system.
For a limited time we have 200 free downloads, we are so confident you are going to make so much money that you’ll probably send us a bag of cash in a few weeks as a token of your appreciation.
Here are a few quotes to inspire you to go and make some money:
“I’m rich, BITCH!”
Dave Chapelle
“Cash rules everything around me- cream -get the money, dolla dolla bill ya’ll”
Wu-tang Clan
“If I had a nickel for every time I found a quarter, I then would have 30 cents”
Anonymous
Posted on April 4th, 2007 by Birdman
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