People That Wear Sports Jerseys Suck

I was filling up the tank on my station wagon (btw, they predate SUV’s in case you didn’t know that and IMO, a far more efficient and aero dynamic vehicle). Anyway, so there I was minding my own business when I look at the pump next to me and I see this fat guy on a cell phone, normally that would be enough for me to think of something derogatory to say (behind his back of course), but today proved especially difficult for me. He was not only wearing a Florida Marlins jersey with accompanying hat, he also had bumper stickers and all sorts of crap related to the marlins on his car -like those little stupid balls you put on the tip of your antenna.

I wanted to ask him in front of everyone what position he played since he seemed so ‘dedicated’ to a multi-million dollar corporation that sucks tax payer money in order to build themselves big stadiums. I mean if I put up my own business, the government will the pay for my building right?

After sports teams get your hard earned money to build themselves a nice stadium, you would think they wouldn’t charge you for coming to it. On the contrary, you are out $20 before you even get out of the car which you have to park about a mile away. Once there, you have to buy a ticket, upper deck nose bleed section you are looking at $20, you are out $40 dollars and they haven’t even started playing yet.

Who goes to a ball game without at least buying a beer and something to eat? Add another $20 for one beer and one hot dog, no joke-we’re now at $60 and the game hasn’t started yet.

Well, at least you are out of the house, in the ballpark and seeing all the green out there, the fresh air, the people, the pre game music on the big screens, perhaps you can just sit back and enjoy a nice cigarette while the players get warmed up….oops wait we live in Nazi Germany at least regarding smoking because now you CAN’T EVEN SMOKE IN OUTDOOR STADIUMS.

Well, the game is about to start, the opening pitch is coming up and as we look out on the field we see a bunch of millionaires in tight costumes throwing and hitting a ball. Yeah, these guys are the cream of the crop, professional athletes that give 110% all the time they have no quit in them…unless they don’t get what they want in their contracts, then they pout and whine like little girls and will go on strike, essentially selling out the millions of fans they claim to love. As to why people that have a minimum salary of $400,000 a year need a LABOR union is beyond me.

Okay so back to the game, now the batter is up there he’s getting ready to bat and he’s going through the motions, tapping the dirt off his shoes, stretching his shoulders with the bat over his head, and finally praying to God and blowing a little kiss to heaven. That’s right, God, the beginning and the end, the one who created us and the world we live in, the one that millions of people going hungry, suffering from fatal diseases, or being hacked to death in some crap hole country in Africa are also praying to at this very minute is going to take time out of his busy schedule to deliver you a home run or an rbi.

Up to now I haven’t really focused on the actual person wearing the jersey, only on what the jersey represents (sports)-a packaged pseudo-entertainment activity that devoids the user of his or her time from family, friends, and physical activity.

The fact that most sports ‘fanatics’ are fat pieces of shit is a testament to their lack of a life outside of sitting down and watching their favorite team play. In fact, it goes deeper than looks. At the heart of all dumbasses that wear jerseys is that little boy in the playground that never got picked for the team, “but I can play guys i swear” now that he’s older and has his own money he can buy his way into a team or at least pretend to by wearing “official major league baseball gear.” By wearing a stupid jersey he’s telling the world, “I’m one of them now, I’m part of the team, I’m one of you guys.”

Sadly, the cool guys like me know the truth.

Here’s the deal, if you want to watch sports, watch college but for fuck’s sake don’t wear a stupid jersey.

Birdman

One Comment

  1. Yes! This forum will not allow me to write the word large nor bold enough to get across how much I agree with this! YES! It’s so strange that — here we are — supposedly at the pinnacle (thus far) of achievement and understanding and intellect about all the things around us, and there are still these dysfunctional, misanthropic turds faking their ways through colleges and careers to throw wads of cash at the altar of a homo-erotic simulated war IN ORDER TO PROVE THEIR MANHOOD. Good show. Absolutely right.

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