Are You a Same Sider?

sitting on the same side of the booth

Are you like these two idiots and sit on the same side of the booth?

Yes, instead of sitting like normal human beings and having a conversation face to face, as in sitting opposite each other there are couples that sit next to each other.

Let me go through the list of things I and others have found annoying about these people:

  1. A waitress wrote: “In general, they were annoying to wait on. They were the type of people who would kiss one another while you stood there trying to take their order
  2. The man in the relationship is clearly very insecure so he sits next to his girl so he can see if anyone is looking her way. Like if he was really going to stand up and ask the peeping tom, “what are you looking at bro?”
  3. On the flip side, the woman wants to tell the world “I stand by my man, so much so that I have to sit by him so I can put my around his bicep or down his pants…”

Why should I care where people sit?

I don’t, but what if you are a restaurant owner or waiter? People that sit next to each other take longer because they are there not to eat, but rather to show the world how much they love each other. If you don’t believe me, read the comments on this so-called mother nature site.

So what do I propose we do about these people? Well, Casey Thea proposes there be some sort of punishment. I completely agree. In fact, everyone should follow her on twitter and listen to everything she says because clearly she is a very intelligent person.

I propose, that each restaurant or establishment where people sit down to eat, hire two full time actors. One woman and one man. Next, each will wait until a “same-sider” couple walks in and sits down. Once this smarmy couple starts with the usual BS, one of the actors will come over pretending to be a patron and pretending to be one of the person in the couple’s ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. They could even pretend to be a drunken one night stand. Discretion will be left up to the actor.

For example, it would go something like this: Mike (actor), Susan (girlfriend), Jim (boyfriend).

Jim and Susan walk in hand in hand, they specifically ask for a booth where of course they proceed to sit next to each other. After they have kissed a few times and have shown the world what a perfect couple they are, Mike, our actor will pretend to be going back to his table after a quick trip to the men’s room. By now, he knows that the girlfriend’s name is Susan because the waiter asked them for their names when they arrived and were greeted and he has told Mike. At this point, Mike should also inquire about what she is drinking, this information will come in handy when he talks to Susan. Here’s how the conversation should go:

Mike (actor): “Hi Susan, oh my gosh it’s been so long!”
Susan: “Uhmm, hi, do I know you?”
Mike (actor): “Has it been that long or have you just been drinking too much tequila (or whatever she’s drinking) again?”
At this point, Jim the boyfriend, should start feeling uncomfortable

Susan: “I’m…not…sure what you’re talking about?” (smiles awkwardly)
Mike (actor): (being playful) We dated for 2 months silly girl!, remember I caught you on the rebound after you broke up with Fred…you were at O’malley’s drinking with your girlfriends and you kept trying to dance on all the tables?”

This could go on and on, however, the actor shouldn’t push too hard. Really all we want to do is plant the seed that will eventually lead to the deterioration of their relationship. But why would we want to break them up? Well, considering the fact that they are partially responsible by way of staying too long in restaurants for the crumbling economy in recent years, it’s our patriotic duty.

How to spot same siders outside of restaurants

Baby bjornIt’s easy to spot these annoying people inside restaurants,however, how could you tell them apart from others in everyday life? Here are some traits I’ve narrowed down through rigorous observation:

  • honor roll bumper stickers on their cars
  • family member stickers on their cars as well
  • constant FB status updates that purport a perfect life
  • the women in theses relationships are constantly cold….often times you will find them cuddling in a grocers line as if they are in the midst of a blizzard
  • when walking side by side with their significant other you will find their hands halfway down the waistline of their male counterparts pants like most sociopaths this gives the illusion that they are capable of feeling love when in reality they are attempting to stay warm because of their cold, self serving heart.
  • same sider females are often incapable of loving their own children, other than tax time they are not a source of income
  • they often buy baby bjorns to carry their offspring this gives them the ability to lug their child around while still being able to drink their Starbucks and shop without having to make any meaningful contact with their child.
  • men often have issues dating back to having their lunch money stolen in elementary, middle, and high school. This becomes apparent especially if they are carrying man bags.

So there you have it, same siders are about presenting an image to the outside world to disguise their hollow, shameful, materialistic existence. Hands down these people are the absolute scum of the earth.

Birdman

3 Comments

  1. Anyone who gets upset that two people sit next to each other at a restaurant is WEIRD. Get a life!

  2. I am not sure what is worse reading this article when I have nothing else in the world to do or this idiot writing a story on samesiders. typical 1st world problems.

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