The Idiots Guide to Starting Your Own Religion

If you have ever wondered how so many religions get started and thought-”hmm, I’d like to start my own religion.” Well here is your guide.

The first thing to consider is whether you are going to be running an offshoot of Christianity. If for example, you are going to claim to be the Messiah, Jesus in the flesh and blood, or any variant thereof, you need to learn the bible inside and out. Most people who have ventured into their own offshoot of a Christian religion can spout off bible quotes and scripture quicker than an M60 machine gun unloading its magazine (more on weapons later).

If on the other hand you are going to create a religion which for all intents and purposes you pull out of your ass such as Scientology, then some creativity is required. You might consider naming it after one of those newly found planets. I personally prefer naming my religions after brand name pharmaceutical drugs, such as “voltaren” this way it’s easy for people to call themselves, “members of the Voltarian Church”. These types of religions offer an easier method for monetization. For instance, to get to the level in Scientology where Tom Cruise is in, you would have paid about $500,000. Now that is sweet…if you’re on the receiving end, L Ron Hubbard must still be laughing in his grave.

Now that you have chosen your religion or sect, you are going to need a location. A warehouse will do, but a shopping center is preferred. The shopping center offers more foot traffic and walk-ins than an isolated warehouse. You’ll also want to file for tax exemption and charity status, here’s what the IRS has to say about that.

In order to get new members, hire a few kids to hand out flyers and put those door hanger things. The message should be something to the effect of “tired of living in your vicious cycle, break the chains that hold you back…join us at xyz ministry of life” A message like this is good, because it casts a wide net and almost anyone can relate to it.

Once members start showing up, have some free coffee and donuts. You know what they say, “the quickest way to someone’s heart is through their stomach.” Be sure to keep track of who’s coming back, after about the third time someone returns make them sign a direct deposit slip into your “church charity” account for 10% of their salary, refer to this as the tithe if your sect is based on Christianity. For all the other made up religions, publish some shockingly expensive books (around $1000) and sell them to your flock, so that they can “attain the next level of spirituality.” If they can’t afford the $1000 books, don’t worry they could pay you monthly, just be sure not to forget to add a finance charge. Finally, be sure to ask for pay stubs and run a credit check to make sure everything is on the up and up….we wouldn’t want someone cheating the Lord would we?

Let’s look at how much a new religion with followers can yield:

-Let’s say your church has 100 people (not that difficult to attain)
-Each member earns around $35,000 per year
-10% of $35,000 is $3500 divided by 12 months is $291
-$291 dollars per person per month is $29,166 a month.

Not bad for a new religion.

Figure you have overhead costs (rent –electricity) of about $4000

That leaves you with about $25,000 in your pocket every month. Now just imagine if you had 1000 members?

See how easy it can be to setup shop virtually anywhere and start banking. Once your membership starts to rise, you can then think of looking for a larger more open place. A ranch in the country side is the perfect setting for this. But be creative, there are many ways you can go with this. Just always remember to never believe a word of what you are prophesying. Many have gotten into real trouble when they start believing their own bullshit and wind up dead or getting blown up by the FBI.