The Idiots Guide to Starting Your Own Religion

cult members

If you have ever wondered how so many religions get started and thought-“hmm, I’d like to start my own religion.” Well here is your guide.

The first thing to consider is whether you are going to be running an offshoot of Christianity. If for example, you are going to claim to be the Messiah, Jesus in the flesh and blood, or any variant thereof, you need to learn the bible inside and out. Most people who have ventured into their own offshoot of a Christian religion can spout off bible quotes and scripture quicker than an M60 machine gun unloading its magazine (more on weapons later).

If on the other hand you are going to create a religion which for all intents and purposes you pull out of your ass such as Scientology, then some creativity is required. You might consider naming it after one of those newly found planets. I personally prefer naming my religions after brand name pharmaceutical drugs, such as “voltaren” this way it’s easy for people to call themselves, “members of the Voltarian Church”. These types of religions offer an easier method for monetization. For instance, to get to the level in Scientology where Tom Cruise is in, you would have paid about $500,000. Now that is sweet if you’re on the receiving end, L Ron Hubbard must still be laughing in his grave.

Now that you have chosen your religion or sect, you are going to need a location. A warehouse will do, but a shopping center is preferred. The shopping center offers more foot traffic and walk-ins than an isolated warehouse. You’ll also want to file for tax exemption and charity status, here’s what the IRS has to say about that.

In order to get new members, hire a few kids to hand out flyers and put those door hanger things. The message should be something to the effect of “tired of living in your vicious cycle, break the chains that hold you back!join us at xyz ministry of life” A message like this is good, because it casts a wide net and almost anyone can relate to it.

Once members start showing up, have some free coffee and donuts. You know what they say, “the quickest way to someone’s heart is through their stomach.” Be sure to keep track of who’s coming back, after about the third time someone returns make them sign a direct deposit slip into your “church charity” account for 10% of their salary, refer to this as the tithe if your sect is based on Christianity. For all the other made up religions, publish some shockingly expensive books (around $1000) and sell them to your flock, so that they can “attain the next level of spirituality” If they can’t afford the $1000 books, don’t worry, they could pay you monthly, just be sure not to forget to add a finance charge. Finally, be sure to ask for pay stubs and run a credit check to make sure everything is on the up and up,we wouldn’t want someone cheating the Lord would we?

Let’s look at how much a new religion with followers can yield:

-Let’s say your church has 100 people (not that difficult to attain)
-Each member earns around $35,000 per year
-10% of $35,000 is $3500 divided by 12 months is $291
-$291 dollars per person per month is $29,166 a month.

Not bad for a new religion.

Figure you have overhead costs (rent and electricity) of about $4000

That leaves you with about $25,000 in your pocket every month. Now just imagine if you had 1000 members?

See how easy it can be to setup shop virtually anywhere and start banking? Once your membership starts to rise, you can then think of looking for a larger more open place. A ranch in the country side is the perfect setting for this. But be creative, there are many ways you can go with this. Just always remember to never believe a word of what you are prophesying. Many have gotten into real trouble when they start believing their own bullshit and wind up dead or getting blown up by the FBI.

Birdman

10 Comments

  1. Screw you douche the FSM is real and not funny there are over 3,000,000 converted pastafarians in the world more than scientology and some other religions. You are more worthless than a kiwi bird(read TGOTFSM)

    Fuck you

    Pirates are the right ones
    Bitch

    -andrew

  2. Thank you very much for your insight! I will put this info to good use as I make my second coming known!
    Sincerely,
    J.C.
    P.S. I’m just going by “Chris” this go-round. Want to throw off the “Pontius Pilot” Types!

  3. Okay, guys, I’m working on actually doing it, not so much for profit, but for real. It’s based on science’s relationship to spirituality, it relies on science — not bullshit — and it’s all free. It deals with personal development, sociological relationships, and finally the ethical arrangements of societies. Ha! Check my website, yo. Fo’ sho’. Fo’ shizzle.

  4. Hey (your name here)! I’m a teen chick who wants to make a religion (don’t worry, it’s not for profit or tax exemption or guys or anything like that. I’m not shallow.), but i’m not even 18 yet! Is it even possible for me to be able to get a religion up and running as a minor?

  5. YOU AWESOME DUDE !!!!!!!!
    After reading your commentary, I’m going to start my own religion soon. Ive thought of it a lot over the years and im going to do it ALL HAIL ” REDNECKISM” !!!!!!!. We will worship mother nature. ALL HAIL HUNTERS, PICK UP OWNERS AND 6 PACK DRINKERS !!!!! FOLLOW ME

  6. Thanks for the tips. I’m pulling a new religion out of my ass right now. Soon, I will put my plan for world domination into affect. I just have to think of a cool name first. Something catchy ya know…

  7. I’d like to father a religion. People will be thaugt to be allover everybody’s butt and wriggle inside their head, smoke marijuana and become an exasperating burden and liability to the society. What can’t kill you only makes you stronger, right? Therefore, the society becomes more STRONGER after coping with the challenges posed by my followers!!!! YEEP!

  8. B E S T – T H R E A D – E V E R
    keep up the good work. and teen chick… yes it is actually possible to start a religion even though you are under 18. all you have to do is send me your information along with a plane ticket and a photo of yourself and ill do the rest.

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