Have you ever gone to one of your friends about a problem only to be told “Why don’t you start looking for a job?” or “I barely even know you”? I think we all have from time to time. So why do we open ourselves up to these callous and sometimes hurtful remarks from our so called “friends”? The truth is we all want sympathy. “But why?” you ask. Getting sympathy makes us the center of attention.
Sympathy allows us to manipulate others and obtain things we want. Ever call up your utility company and pretend to have a stutter or walked through a mall pretending to have a limp? Maybe the last time you checked out at the grocery store you acted like you were a simple minded retard. We all have! The reason we choose these environments is to get this drug called pity is because the only people who can give it to us are strangers. Our friends and family know us only too well and they will be damned if you are going to get the pity before they do. So I have devised a way to turn this into a less spontaneous activity and dedicate an entire evening for you to enjoy.
First of all you will need a wheelchair. If you’re not already confined to a wheelchair I’m sure you know someone who is. Go to there house and pretend you want to help them to bed. Wait until they fall asleep before you take it with you. Otherwise you can just steal one from your local emergency room. Now that you have the most key ingredient for this night of bliss, leave town. I like going to a couple of neighboring cities where I live. This way you have complete anonymity. Drive around through some neighborhoods eventually you will find a house party. You can tell if there is a party by the amount of cars parked in front of a home and the volume of the music from inside. Once a party has been found be sure to park a couple of blocks away. You don’t want anyone seeing you get out of your car. Now comes the fun part. Wheel yourself back to the house in your chair. Don’t bother knocking wait until some people are entering the house. They will not only help you inside, they won’t ask you many questions either, because after all you’re a cripple. No one is going to accuse a cripple of crashing a party. The sympathy has already begun.
Most people make the mistake of acting down when trying to make someone feel sorry for them. This method is wrong for a couple of reasons. First of all it’s a much too obvious cry for help. Nothing turns people off more than desperation. Second of all it sends up a red flag that you are to be avoided at all costs for fear that you will kill their good time. Be sure to smile but don’t over do it. I like to use a smile of innocence. This makes me being a cripple much sadder. People wonder how something so horrible could happen to someone so “innocent”. At the beginning of the party keep the conversation up beat as well. If someone asks how you became paralyzed say something like “look, I appreciate you asking but I just want to have a good time tonight.” You never want to show your hand too soon and this is the ultimate trust builder. From then on no one will question your intentions for being at the party. All guards will be completely down and you’ve added some mystery to your heart breaking condition.
Now it’s time to really go to work. Once everyone starts dancing, ask a girl to dance ….don’t worry she won’t say no. While dancing, don’t forget to smile…I even throw in some uncontrolled laughing for good measure. Once you’ve been dancing a couple of minutes try to stand up and fall flat on your face. Make it look like you were having such a good time that you completely forgot you were crippled. Once you hit the floor look up and try to act embarrassed if you can muster a tear that’s even better. By this time all eyes will be on you. Don’t be too eager to crawl back into your chair this is the moment you’ve been waiting for….treasure it. The room should be filled with sad, sympathetic faces. Now it’s time for what I call the “forced smile”. A word of warning this may cause some of the people at the party to get teary so it depends on how much pity you need, whether or not you want to do it. The “forced smile” is when someone is completely embarrassed but still attempts to paste a super fake smile on there face. This is usually done by the person embarrassed to ease the tension of a witness or in this case witnesses of the embarrassing act. Can you think of anything sadder than a cripple who just fell on his face, while attempting to dance with a girl in front of numerous people and whose only concern is the feelings of the people who saw it?
After all of this people will be bringing you drinks for the rest of the night. They will be your best buddy. They will even let you take pictures of there naked sister….all in the name of pity. Hell, one time I had this hot chick take me to a hotel and she carried me up three flights of stairs because the elevator was broken. We had sex that night. She wasn’t very smart and the whole time I told her I couldn’t feel anything.
This should be enough to get you started on your journey to having wonderful evenings for yourself. If you have any question or need some advice feel free to leave a comment and I will be happy to get back to you …that is unless, this cancer eats up my insides first.