How to Interpret Horoscopes

The world we all live in is a crazy one. Everyone is need of quick answers and quick solutions. “What does tomorrow have in store for me?” “Is tomorrow the day i get caught in that back alley, behind the local pawn shop, receiving oral services from that prostitute with the giant canker sore and banana shaped titties?” “When am I going to stop going in that back alley, behind the pawn shop, receiving oral services from that prostitute with the giant canker sore and banana shaped titties?” “Are canker sores contagious?”. These are all questions we have asked ourselves from time to time. But where do we find the answers? The answer to this question is easier than you think…the stars. No, not Sally Struthers or Sean Penn silly. I’m referring to the science of horoscoptics…or…horoscopes.

For centuries our ancestors have used the night skies as a beacon of light to navigate the shadows of our future. But often translating there findings can be trying and confusing at best. So i decided to take a horoscope I recently read and translate it into laymen’s terms so that you may see how easy it can be to comprehend once you get the hang of it. Here is today’s horoscope according to the scientists at AOL.

GENERAL HOROSCOPE: The Moon is in earthy Capricorn today, encouraging us to ground ourselves, but it’s entry into airy Aquarius at 4:48 pm EST changes our mood. We are still feeling the dynamic square from assertive Mars to freedom-loving Uranus, creating an electrified environment where impulse rules and tempers can flare. Unfortunately, suppression won’t work, for the energy needs to be expressed. The best course of action is to release our feelings gradually.

TRANSLATION: It’s quite obvious that the moon represents a log of poop riddled with corn. “Encouraging us to ground ourselves” is simply the impulse to sit on the can. “Airy Aquarius” is the reference to the toilet. The base word of Aquarius being aqua which in France means toilet water or drinking water. Our mood changes because the night before we had relations with “Mars” which is a masculine name therefore implying a man. Mars put something dynamic up our “Uranus” because he is all about the free love. It was electrifying but at the same time ole Mars got a little too assertive and I lost my cool a little bit. Now that I have to poop I know this bad boy is going to hurt because of what happened last night. But suppressing it is only going to make it hurt more, besides my ass is dripping blood all over the freakin place. So the best course of action is a gradual release.
So I guess we learned that last night might not have been a good idea. And that sometimes alcohol can make you vulnerable in what seemed to be just an innocent gathering of buddies watching Thursday night football. But some dick head invites an ex convict with a pocket full of roopies and a passion for prison sex. Now not only are we going to have endure the pain one more time when we take our morning dump at the office but we also find our name on the wall. And everyone is standing around there cubicles whispering and snickering. Anyway that is the general message I’m sure we all take away from this week’s horoscope.
I hope you found this piece to be a stepping stone to learning the power of the stars and once you have mastered the stars you can master what truly matters….your future.


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