As I sit down to write this review I am wearing underwear that hasn’t been changed in three days. My left hand is reaching up through the left leg of my boxers and is scratching my highly irritated butt hole. Periodically i take my hand out so I can sniff its previous whereabouts.
The honesty I have just displayed may have disgusted some of you, others may have been curious to the smell of my finger…”good or bad?”…..and then there are those few who grabbed there cocks the minute I said “irritated butt hole”. “What is my point and what does this have to do with Kingdom Under Fire?” you ask. My point is that even the most brutal and honest words, at times cannot deliver justice to the truly horrific nature of what has been told…. and that Kingdom Under Fire smells like my middle finger.
Kingdom Under Fire is for the Xbox and delivers you into a time of dragons and magic. It’s a real time strategy game that has you in charge of epic battles fought by hundreds of half dressed hot chicks. Unfortunately for this game, these hot chicks like to talk. They talk between battles, before battles; hell… they even talk during battles. Nothing ruins a good time like a woman with something to say. Talk, talk, talk….if it wasn’t for the fact they are all almost naked I would have thought I was watching Women’s Entertainment. I may have forgiven or overlooked this but the voice acting is the worst in video game history. Yes, even Ms. Pac-Man did a better job “wa-wa-wa-wa-wa” as she constantly stuffed her face. (Hmmm…. I finally understand what Ms. Pac man was about).
Aside from calling the shots and telling your soldiers what to do, you are in control of one person during the heat of battle. This person is the general and there are about four to five to choose from, each with his or her own “story”. Once again this is where the game falls short. You have about five moves you can choose from and the game quickly turns into a button mashing frenzy. Half the time you don’t even know if you are actually hitting someone because there about fifty people on your screen at a time.
I’m sure I could keep going on and on but as I said before sometimes even the truth cannot bring justice [insert O.J Simpson joke her]. So in the end I am going to have to give this game 1 stinky finger out of 5.