The Idiot’s Guide to Being a Police Officer-Lesson #1

how to become a police officerSo you wanna become a police officer huh? Well, strap on a gun, get the billy club ready and read on, because you’ll be taking down perps (perpetrators) in no time.

The first rule about being a cop is; ‘Don’t even trust your own shadow’

Police work is dangerous business and being a softy just ain’t going to cut it. Let’s look at an example, this happened to a rookie friend of mine years ago.

It was a rainy night, Cassleberry (my partner) had been on the beat for barely a week, oh yeah this kid was green. We parked outside a diner where we were regulars. I stood outside leaned up against the cruiser with one leg propped up sucking on a Marlboro red. I had told the kid to grab us a couple of cups of Joe, I knew it would be a long night, my gut was telling me we were going to be shoulder deep in shit soon. As I smoked my cigarette, I leaned my head back and looked up at the stars I softly said, “God, why am I stuck with this idiot tonight?”

Just as Cassleberry was walking out of the diner carrying two cups and a pastry bag of God knows what, a hail of bullets rained down on him. The last words I heard from that poor sap were “hey sarge, I got you those strawberry short cakes you li…” he was DOA (dead upon hitting the pavement). The stupid bastard never knew what hit him. Being used to such acts of random violence I casually threw my cigarette butt to the ground and smashed it with my Chippewa Limited Edition American Bison Snip Toe Motorcycle Boots.

I took cover by running to a nearby alley, as soon as I had some cover I lit another cigarette. I peeked out the corner of the building when a bullet grazed me, time to rock and roll. I pulled out my Jennings j 9 MM and went to work, I’m a modest person who doesn’t like to brag, but that night I performed better than anyone I had ever seen out in the field.

When all was said and done and I was staring down at the corpse of my partner, I felt a swell of anger rise in me. I realized then that that could be me lying there like a worthless piece of crap-no good rookie cop. But instead I was the one who survived to tell the story and save the day once again. In a weird way, God answered my prayer that night. And as I said in the beginning, you can’t even trust your own shadow, much less a partner.



  1. Mike, it’s only lesson 1. There are more to come. DOn’t worry, in no time you’ll be wearing aviator glasses and saying cliches.

  2. Actually, Mike I was thinking about what you said. And I think you need to really think about what I have said here. Here’s an example; Jesus Christ Spoke in parables, therefore I think you should look at my work in a similar light.

    I’m simply speaking in parables.

  3. yeah this is why you’re not a writer. Also you seem to have the stereotype of asshole cop nailed. spot on!

  4. Useless. Honestly. If anything, this turned me off from the option of law enforcement. What is this, Max Payne? Give me a break.

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